God Has Kept Me a Long Time...

My brother, Kareem J. Ward, has been missing since June 17, 2007. He never showed up for a Father's Day picnic where he was expected at my house. Two days later, the police pulled his car from a nearby river but his body was never found. My whole world seemed to have ended right then and there. For the longest time, it was just Kareem and me since our sister died back in 1985 at the age of 7 from sickled-cell anemia (I was 9 and he was just 7 months old). I was literally a nervous wreck because I had to watch her die. My mom had to run next door to the next door neighbors in order to call the ambulance. By the time my mom returned, my sister had already died in my arms. After the loss of our sister, it took months of counseling, mild sedatives and a lot of prayer to get me back on track because I had never experienced a loss of a loved one so close.
I used to feel at times that I was all alone and that people didn't understand my heartaches and pains. I shunned myself from the world, I wouldn't go around a lot of people because I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I stopped talking and connecting with the majority of my family and my friends. I was angry with the world. I asked God why he had to take my sister and now my brother and leave me alone with all this grief and pain. I felt that I had a lot on my plate and I couldn't handle it. I began to yell at my kids and my husband for no reason at all. My mom, age 51, who has emphysema, chronic asthma, COPD , and who is oxygen dependent began to rely on me a whole lot more for any and everything because my brother was living with her and he was her primary caregiver. I was about to crack and my life was in shambles. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. If there was ever a moment in my life when I needed Him most it was then. I was sitting at home and I began to cry non-stop...it seemed that the harder I cried and the more my tears fell, God heard me and He began talking to me. I soon began to realize that everything that happened had happened for a reason. I know I was always told to not question God but to accept everything that he allows. With every problem, and every situation, and every heartache and every pain, I need to just let go and turn everything over to him, allow him to carry my burdens. I asked God to work on me because I'm not where I want to be in Christ but I am trying. I just put everything in His hands, humble myself and continue to watch and pray. He said He'd never leave me nor forsake and I am not alone. When I look back over my life I realized that He has kept me out of danger and harms way for a very long time. And for that much I am very thankful. I'm still here and I have a whole lot of things to thank God for.